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Local Church Vandalized

Graffiti, a Baptist Church on East 7th was vandalized last night. Reports state that the front door was broken in and all the windows were busted out. Pentagrams were spray painted on the walls inside and on the remnants of the windows. Local pastor Taylor Field was disappointed in the vandalism but kept spirits high “Apparently someone took our name too seriously” he commented in a light hearted manner as he and several other volunteers worked to repair the damages early this morning. In a quick private interview he added “It is a shame that some misguided soul would do such a thing to our church. I can only hope that the one responsible for this desecration turns from whatever wickedness they have stumbled into and can emerge from the dark places he has found himself”

Bodies found Butchered in Central Park

Police found the bodies of 2 homeless men, a social worker, and a park custodian in the vicinity of Central park last night. The bodies were all partially dismembered and bore a symbol associated with the “Legion” street family that has been increasing activity recently. Police are unable to verify if the bodies of the homeless men were member of Legion or not and if this is the work of a group opposing the violent street family or the handiwork of Legion itself.

East Village Assault

Several local youths were found assaulted and bound in an alleyway off of east 9th street. Witnesses report that a white male in his early 30s and several other individuals approached the boys and proceeded to demand all their possessions. When they tried to resist he pulled out several clubs and proceeded to beat them with them. Sources inside the police investigation describe the witnesses and victims, whose names are being withheld, as “largely uncooperative” however they were able to get a description of the individual who assaulted the boys and then left them bound in an alley.

Police Artist Sketch of Subject

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Bizarre Accident Leads to Latin Kings Arrest

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Police responded last evening when a water main burst on 49th street near Calvary Cemetery causing a tree that had been planted over top of of the water main to be launched into a car. Although the car, which was later discovered to have been stolen, was mostly vacant when police arrived, wanted criminal and known Latin King enforcer Emilio Vilches was found trapped in the passenger seat. Vilches is wanted on several open warrants including assault with a deadly weapon, murder, attempted rape, and armed robbery. Police reports we have obtained suggest that Vilches was found in possession of several unlicensed firearms on his person and in the vehicle. Vilches was only semi conscious when he was finally and was too incoherent to be questioned at the scene, repeating only the words “la mujer muerta” as he was wheeled into the ambulance. He was taken to an undisclosed hospital for treatment of his injuries. So far there are no reports about other passengers or the driver of the vehicle who were not found on scene.

Panic at the Hilton Garden Inn

Animal control was called the the Hilton Garden Inn for the report of an urban fox found in the Staten Island hotel. The animal apparently set off an alarm and ran through the hotel lobby disturbing many guests and causing a general panic. When asked for comment Hotel Manager Janet Reeger said “This is a disgrace! I have personally fired no less than 4 staff members believed to be responsible for letting this glorious hotel become the home for some mangy critter.” She also promised to the upset guests, many of whom were fully or partially reimbursed for their stay, that she would “Get to the bottom of this and make sure any who are responsible for any shenanigans in her fine establishment are dealt with swiftly and severely”

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